Friday, April 9, 2010

Text Production Draft 1#

The relationship between voracious modernization and global warming has been open to much interpretation and acrimonious debate. Misassumption by individuals about global warming had made them to become ignorant on the issue that is affecting our mother nature. The atmosphere, considerably regarded as the most vulnerable place in the earth’s ecological system as the composition of it can be changed, the thin layer of atmosphere has been thicken by global warming pollution, mainly from the effects of modernization had resulted more heat trapped in the atmosphere. Albert Gore, former US senator explained the effects of global warming in terms of climate change in the documentary ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ (2007, DVD, Paramount Pictures). He explained two ‘canaries in the coal mine’ as the alarm bell of the signings of global warming.

Statistics showed that the ten hottest years ever measured, all had occurred for the last fourteen years (Gore, 2007). Temperature increase is taken place all over the world in which leads to overwhelming effects such as the massive heat wave which killed thirty-five thousands of people in Europe. The ocean is not escaped from the increase in temperature as well; consequentially produces stronger storms as can be seen in the last couple of years like the Ivan, Jeannie, Frances and most devastating, the Katrina. According to Al Gore (2007), before the Katrina hits New Orleans, it ‘went over warmer waters’ and builds up the ‘wind velocity’ as well as the ’moisture content’. He added, the effect is ‘horrendous’ and indescribable.

Other than that, severe floods are also occurring due to the precipitation at one time that causes heavy downpour (Gore, 2007). Paradoxically, the vigorous precipitation may also bring to more, severe and longer draughts, such events that that can be seen in Darfur and Niger. Melting of permafrost had damaged the structure that was built and plants lived on top of it. Global warming also may leads to melting of ice shelves that could halted the ‘ocean conveyer’, which in turn causes sudden jump to the European climate. The ecological system has taken its toll from the changes in the season as the cause of global warming. The ‘ecological midgets’ are also taken in place, for example the pine beetle problem in the United States and rushing in of exotic species to the new ecology. Species are also facing extinction. The increase in more and more troublesome infectious diseases as result of with global warming, vectors reaching to higher altitudes (Gore, 2007).

The melting of land base ice in the Antarctica, particularly the West Antarctica and Greenland would raise up the sea level up to 20 feet. This means most of populated city situated at the bay of the ocean will possibly underwater (Gore, 2007). Sir Winston Churchill once said “The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedience, of delays, is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.” (1936)

We as the people of this world has seen the signings and with scientifically proven should find a way so that the warning are ‘heard’ and ‘responded to’ (Gore, 2007). Thus, we should start by emitting lower carbon dioxide emissions and use less energy or using it more efficiently. (Chris Woodford, 2006). Energy efficiency can be improved at home by using electric and electronic appliances that uses efficient energy. Instead of driving a car, try to walk or ride a bicycle if we can, use the public transportation or else, buy a hybrid car if possible. Mother Nature needs your help to speak up for them, use the knowledge that you have to raise the community awareness on this sickening moral issue.

In conclusion, global issues must be tackled with the united stand by all the people in the world to make it happen. It takes time for issues like this to be solved, so we should be wise enough to spend the precious time we have before it is too late.

5 comments:

  1. I’m not good in commenting on others work but I will try my best. I just want to say that it is a well written essay but in my opinion, the conclusion should be improved. All the main points in the essay should be summarized or restate the thesis statement and some correction on the citation need to be made :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wish that this helps. After all, it is just my opinion.
    first para- has been openED?
    - i find the third sentence quite confusing^^.. maybe you could change to a simpler sentence..
    and also the citation.I think some are incorrect.

    Second para- statistics showS?
    -The ocean DOES not escaped?
    - It went over.. and built?
    - why horrendous have to put apostrophe?

    third- more, severe --- why comma?
    Forth- land-based?
    fifth- have seen the signings?
    Agree with muadzzam-- conclusion can be improved by summarizing.
    HOpe it helps^^

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1. Is there a clear introductory sentence that introduces the subject matter and the controlling idea? What do you suggest for improvement if the introductory sentence is not clear?
    I think the introductory sentence is okay. It talks about global warming and the two separate viewpoints on it.

    2. Is there a thesis statement given as the last sentence of the introductory paragraph? Is it clear and connected to all the topic sentences of the body paragraphs?
    The thesis statement is quite weak, if the last sentence to be counted as the thesis statement. It does not really relate to all the topic sentences.

    3. Do the paragraphs have sufficient supporting details and examples? How can the organization be improved?
    All the paragraphs do have suffiecient details and examples. However I think the organization is a bit messy. Try to construct stonger, more clear topic sentences to start off your paragraphs then only continue with the details. I also think that you including too much details at some of the longer paragraphs. Try focusing on 1 effect for each paragraph to make it less congested.


    4. Are there any paragraphs which are not supported well?
    Paragraph 4 is a bit too short and the content does not relate well. I can't see the relationship between the melting of ice in Antartica with global warming in this sentence. Perhaps you should include that global warming is what causes the ices to melt in the first place. =)


    5. Are there any sentences or sections that are not clear? If so, how can they be improved?
    All the sentences are okay by themselves but when viewed as the whole essay, they do no relate to each other that well. Try reorganizing or reconstructing them to make your essay flows smoother.

    6. Does the conclusion summarize all the main points given in the essay or restate the thesis statement? Is it clear? If not, how can the writer improve this part?
    Like the previous given comments, you can improve the conclusion by summarizing. If you can create a good thesis statement, you can conclude by restating the thesis statement too.

    7. Does the writer cite the sources adequately and appropriately? Note any incorrect citation.
    I think you rely too much on one source. There are 4 sources all together. Try to distribute the sources more evenly in your essay. For the documentary citation, cite the film instead of the character inside the film. Also, you should cite like this(Surname Year). No commas in between. Refer to the sace board 2010 referencing on how to cite.

    8. Are there any apparent grammatical or spelling mistakes?
    I think some of the words should be changed into the followings:
    Paragprah 1
    - has been thickenED.
    - ... changed. The thin (put a fullstop instead of a comma)
    - modernization, WHICH resulted in more
    Paragraph 2- the ocean DID not escape..

    9. Does the writer comprehensively cover appropriate materials available from the standard sources? If no, what is missing?
    Try to include more content from the two internet articles and the youtube video.

    10. Additional comments:
    Good effort. There is a lot of room for improvement for this essay. Try making the second a better one. =)
    Hope this comment helped. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good work guys..I'm glad that you all are helping each other.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

My photo
an INTI UC stud,(JPA scholarship)...ex-niner,ex-soksek..